Adjustments are defined as “small alterations made to achieve a desired result or a change of position” (google.com). Change happens. Sister McKay, wife of David O. McKay, once said, “It is the artful duty of the woman to adjust.” In life, many adjustments come. We adjust from being children to adults to spouses, and then to raising children. We adjust to our families changing needs, to having children leave, to inviting in-laws and grandchildren into our lives. We adjust from the high paced life of rearing children to the slower paced life of watching our children and grandchildren raising families. Life is an adjustment.
Five years into our marriage, my husband and I had our first major adjustment. My husband was accepted into dental school in Michigan. We made a major move. It was our first move away from family. That move proved to be the best thing for our little family circle. We as a couple learned to cleave. In an article by James Harper and Susanne Frost-Olsen, they said, “President [Spencer W.] Kimball identified some important points regarding family relationships. First, married children should confide in and counsel with their spouses. Second, if possible, they should establish their own household, separate from their parents. Finally, any counsel from outside sources should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together.”
1. Married couples should confide in and counsel with their spouses
· When I was first married, my mother pulled me aside and counseled me to never tell her anything bad about my husband. She said that too often couples would complain about an issue to an outside source. Once that person goes home the issue gets resolved, but the outside source never hears the conclusion of the story. The person who is the outside source continues thinking poorly of the other spouse and a wedge is built into their relationship. I have worked diligently to follow this counsel and speak positively about my spouse to others. Ladies, try it. Too often women get together and gripe about their spouse. It is a slippery slope that will introduce negativity into your relationship and how others see your spouse.
2. Establish your own household
· Elliott Cohen said, "’Where, not the person's own character, but the traditions or customs of other people are the rule of conduct,’ said John Stuart Mill. ‘There is wanting one of the principal ingredients of human happiness, and quitethe chief ingredient of individual and social progress.’ In other words, to be happy you need to be your own person.” Having a couple establish their own adult household is a key ingredient to true happiness for a couple. This can happen by discussing how you as a new family want to spend holidays, weekends and birthdays. Setting firm boundaries early on is much better than being wishy-washy and canceling plans, or being upset because you’d rather be somewhere else.
3. Any counsel from outside sources should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together
· “While too much conformity or reliance on others can leave [a couple] without [their] own sense of purpose or direction, too little thwarts [their] chances of attaining any goals [they] mayhave set. However, between relying too much or too little there is also a "golden mean." While no person in the course of living attains perfect balance between these opposite a pole, being [their own couple] requires attainment of a significant measure of balance” (Elliott Cohen). We all need help in our course of daily living, but as a couple we should set our goals and then filter through advice we get and decide what is good for us.
Life brings about many changes in life and marriage. Learning to adjust is part of that journey. We can’t foresee trials and challenges that will come to our families as we go through the course of our life. But using the above principles will help us adjust our goals so that our marriage will be successful.
