Metallic Pink Cars, Homemade Cookies, and Family Councils

Councils are defined as “an executive body whose members are equal in power and authority (Merriam-Webster.com).”  Elder Russell M. Ballard encourages families and couples to consider employing the power of councils into their relationships. Elder Ballard in his book, Counseling With Our Councils, tells of a funny story of how a family used this method of discussion to purchase a new family car.  Through the counseling method the family purchased a metallic pink car with powder blue interior.  The family loved the car!  Each family member felt important and appreciated in the council of the family.  Elder Ballard said in April 2016, “Children desperately need parents willing to listen to them, and the family council can provide a time during which family members can learn to understand and love one another.”

How does this apply to your family?  

And how do you hold a family council?

We can use family councils to bring together the family and put everyone in a position of equality in regards to power and authority to express themselves.  Elder Russell M. Ballard gives several suggestions for what a family council is.

1.    It is a meeting that can be held any day of the week about any subject.

2.      During the council all involved should turn off their electronic devices and listen to each other.

3.       A council is a time to discuss worries, fears, struggles or issues.

4.      This is a great time to offer help and support.

5.       Make goals during this time to help each other with struggles.

I recently used this method of council with my children.  I asked each child individually to tell me an issue they struggled with in the house.  I wrote an agenda for myself to follow (my husband was privy to this information) and then invited each child (and my niece who lives with us) to a family council.  Once in the council I set for a few ground rules (modifying suggestions given in Counseling With Our Councils to fit our family needs).  They are:

1.   When you present a topic, you only bring up your struggle with the topic. 

2.   Don’t dwell on negatives (use only I feel statements)

3.   Speak only from your experience and perspective.

4.   Everyone needs to share his or her opinion on the subject at hand.

5.   Focus on what we want to have happen, not what should a specific person do.

6.   Set some specific goals to help accomplish what the family would like to see happen.

By using these suggestions family councils are ways to unify the family and helps the family members feel needed and wanted in the family structure.  My little family seemed to enjoy being listened to and validated.  Struggles that were presented were: the present condition of the coat room, the non-functioning bathroom lock, afterschool snacks and the desire for a little soda in the house.

As we took time to discuss these issues, it was great to see everyone involved and participating.  As a family we came to several conclusions and goals that everyone agreed would meet their need.  The decision that the children seemed to like best was instituting homemade cookie Tuesday. The next few days after the council I asked each child individually if they felt validated in their opinions.  Each one said yes and that they appreciated the council. 

For more information on family councils please see: 

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/family-councils?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/blog/the-beginners-guide-to-family-councils?lang=eng

https://www.thefbcg.com/Responsibilities-of-Family-Councils/

The Plague of Pornography...

Pornography is a plague of great proportions.  It seems to seep into many everyday items.  Finding someone viewing pornography can be devastating, however they may deem it as ‘not so bad.’ This is a person who is listening to the natural man.  Pornography is like a drug, similar to cocaine in rush and feelings produced in the brain.  In Mosiah 3:19 we read, “for the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticing’s of the Holy Spirit.”  Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught that Alma warned Corianton, his son, “that sexual transgression is ‘an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or the denying the Holy Ghost’.”  Elder Holland also counseled, “In trivializing the soul [body] of another we trivialize the atonement, which saved that soul and guaranteed its continued existence.”  Pornography takes a human body and trivializes it or better put, makes light of, minimizes, belittles, underestimates, or undervalues.  When we view others, especially women this way, we will begin to treat them this way in our everyday life. 

Victor Cline, in reference to pornography, said, “Love is presented as a physical thing and nothing more. Movies legitimize adultery, infidelity, and immorality because ‘the physical attraction is so beautiful.’ All they are doing is justifying irresponsibility, telling us that passion overwhelms and justifies all. Well, in my view this is an antisocial message, destructive and Satanic in impact. It degrades love, and it is destructive of human personality and male-female relationships.”

The world at this point shouts that they can do what ever they want; that they have free agency or “It’s my body, I can do what I want.”  Elder Holland refutes this by saying, “It is not your life or your body… ‘You are bought with a price.’”  We need to reach out for the Savior to heal us from things that so easily beset us.  Sister Linda S. Reeves said, “If you are caught in Satan’s trap of pornography, remember how merciful our beloved Savior is.  Do you realize how deeply the Lord loves and cherishes you, even now?  Our Savior has power to cleanse and heal you.  He can remove the pain and sorrow you feel and make you clean again through the power of His Atonement.” 

Pornography is an ill wind that spreads across far too many relationships.  Elder Dallin H. Oaks gave several steps to help us heal and return from the addiction to pornography.  He said, “First acknowledge the evil.”  Second he suggested, “Seek the help of the Lord and His servants.”  We can do this by speaking with a Bishop.  Elder Boyd K. Packer helps us realize how a bishop can help by saying, “The bishop represents the Lord in extending forgiveness for the Church.”  Elder David A. Bednar further explains, “The Savior is often referred to as the Great Physician…Your bishop or branch president is the spiritual physician’s assistant who is authorized to help you repent and heal.”  Elder Oaks gives a third suggestion to help in the repentance process, “Do all you can to avoid pornography.”  Using this step will help you set bounds for yourself.  You should get a filter on your computer.  Sister Reeves suggests, “Filters are useful tools, but the greatest filter in the world, the only one that will ultimately work, is the personal internal filter that comes from a deep and abiding testimony of our Heavenly Father’s love and our Savior’s atoning sacrifice for each one of us.”  Elder Oaks fourth suggestion is “Do not patronize pornography.”  Elder Packer also adds another suggestion for help with this issue.  He said, “After confession and penalties, the most difficult part of repentance is to forgive oneself.”  Elder Oaks adds as a final suggestion, “[A] wise bishop…reported that ‘an endowed priesthood bearer’s fall into pornography never occurs during periods of regular worship in the temple; it happens when he has become casual in his temple worship’.”

Educate yourself with further readings and insights into this topic:

Elder Dallin H. Oaks on Pornography--https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2005/04/pornography?lang=eng

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland on human intimacy--https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/jeffrey-r-holland_souls-symbols-sacraments/

Sister Linda S. Reeves on protection from pornography--https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/protection-from-pornography-a-christ-focused-home?lang=eng

Poop Emoji’s and the Marital Poop Detector

It seems that poop emoji’s have taken the nation by storm.  They are everywhere.  You can find post-it notes, pencil sharpeners, earrings, gummy candy and more all shaped like a very friendly pile of poop. Such as this sign (found here):

Every spring, when the snow is has receded, we do yard cleanup.  After several bitterly cold months of letting the dog out to do his duty you can imagine how it smells and looks. Cleaning up can take hours.  My son says, “It is the worst job in the world.  It is all wet and stinky and soggy and smells really, really bad!” All summer long, I remind him of his spring-cleaning experience and he is more apt to clean up one or two small piles of the fresh stuff.

As funny as poop emoji’s are, marital poop is no laughing matter.  Many marriages could use the Marital Poop Detector, as John Gottman calls it. It is a “built-in early-warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in jeopardy” (Gottman). The marital poop detector helps couples deal with a little pile of poop instead of waiting for a large spring-cleaning, like we do.  Working out one or two minor issues in marriage is far better than waiting out a long, cold silence and then dealing with a yard full of cruddy issues.  It makes it near impossible to know where to start. 

How should we implement a marriage poop detector?  Looking at my own marriage, one thing we do is not going to bed angry with each other.  We like to pray as a couple before going to bed.  If we aren’t in a good spot, praying together is very difficult for us.  This does not mean that all issues are fully resolved and put in their proper place, but it does mean that the poop we have dealt with is flushed down the toilet. For some couples this may not work; there are as many ways to detect poop in marriage as there are couples in the world.  The goal is to find your marital poop detector.  Ellie Lisitsa said, “If both spouses are responsive to their shared [poop] detector, they are by definition on the same side, working together to protect their marriage. And that makes it the ultimate win-win situation.”

Sniffing out troubles: How do we go about finding our marital poop detector and using it? These are questions that can help you sniff out trouble. (Credit: Marital Poop Detector)

- Have you felt irritable and not yourself lately?

- Are you feeling emotionally distant from your spouse?

- Do you just want to be somewhere other than here?

- Have you been feeling lonely?

- Do you feel as though you’re always angry?

- Would you like to feel closer to your spouse?

- Have you been feeling tension between the two of you lately?

Now that you have sniffed out the conflict that is littering your marital yard, it is time to start picking it up.  Here are some suggestions to help you scoop the poop.

1.      Weekly couples council or State of Our Union meeting

·      Dr. Gottman suggests meeting together for 1 hour once a week to discuss your marital union.  This discussion will often bring up little issues before they arise into large scale attacks. 

2.     Weekly Date Nights

·      Honoring time with your spouse to focus on each other is a great way to keep the poop at bay.  Use date nights to reconnect, remember what you like about each other, and fulfill each others dreams. 

3.     Evening Couple Prayers/Evening reunions

·      At the end of the day, reconnect in some way.  Through reconnecting you renew your affection for each other.  This can be through intimacy, conversations or praying together.  Use this time to make sure you are on the same page every day. 

4.     Practicing Charity

·      Johnny Lee first sang the song, “Lookin for Love in all the wrong places…”  This song resembles many relationships.  When we look for love by focusing on the issues our spouse has we are adding poop to our marriage.  “Most of our marriage fixing efforts are focused on that bothersome 20% of our partner’s character that we just can’t find a way to enjoy” (H. Wallace Goddard).  When we look for love by focusing on the positive in our partner we then give our partner unwritten permission to deal with their own personal characteristic flaws in their own way, in essence they can clean up their own poop.