Most people want the best from their marriages and relationships. We want to be our best and we want to help our partner become better. We truly want to cherish each other. D&C 121: 41-43 reads, “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile— Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy.”
Over time, looking for ways to help improve our partner can turn from cherishing and develop into criticism. This happens when “reproving betimes with sharpness” becomes ‘reproving all the time with sharpness.’ Reproving with sharpness in a sense means, pointing a very small pin at something that needs changing, not at the whole person. However, if we do this enough it becomes pinpricking. Joe J. Christensen said “Avoid ‘ceaseless pinpricking.’ Don’t be too critical of each other’s faults. Recognize that none of us is perfect. We all have a long way to go to become as Christ-like as our leaders have urged us to become. ‘Ceaseless pinpricking,’ as President Spencer W. Kimball called it, can deflate almost any marriage.”
To avoid endless pinpricking we need to show ‘forth…an increase of love’ towards our spouse. We need to remember how to cherish each other. In Dr. John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he gives suggestions for working on ways to show our spouse more love. He does this through love mapping. A love map is “that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life” (Gottman). Love maps protect relationships when times of trouble come. It is like building your love house on a solid foundation. Dr. Gottman calls love maps the “foundation of friendship and intimacy.”
My husband and I had an opportunity to begin doing love maps. It has helped us see that we always need to check in with each other emotionally. We recently attended my father-in-law's funeral. Being able to check in at a time of transition such as this has helped each of us appreciate the other more fully.
Here are some suggestions for how to check in with your spouse and build an emotionally strong foundation:
- Set a weekly check in or date night without distractions
- Take inventory of emotional situations
- Talk for 10 minutes a day, uninterrupted
- Hug it out for 20 seconds—It releases oxytocin (which helps with bonding)
- Find a hobby together—Try curling, geocaching, dancing, and more
How do you cherish an emotional connection with your partner? While you are thinking about this, enjoy this little song...
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