The Wolf is at the Door...

Pres. Russell M. Nelson stated in his first public address as President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, “Begin with the end in mind.”  When we begin with the end in mind, we have a better vision of how to get where we want to go.  Marriage is a great example of beginning with the end in mind. By asking a few simple questions, such as the ones below, a couple is better able to strive for the same goal and achieve it. 

·      “What kind of couple/family do we want to be?” 

·      “What is the goal for our marriage?” 

·      “What is our life plan?” 

·      “Do we want to be a forever family?”

·       “How can we help each other be our best selves?” 

Regardless of how well we plan for the future each marriage is riddled with struggles.  Bruce C. Hafen calls these struggles— ‘wolves’.  He said, “Every marriage is tested repeatedly by three kinds of wolves. The first wolf is natural adversity…Second, the wolf of their own imperfections…[and] the third wolf is the excessive individualism that has spawned today’s contractual attitudes.”  As each couple begins to view where they want their marriage to go, watching for the wolves becomes more important.  The first place to watch for the wolves is inside you. 

An old Native American parable credited to the Cherokee People is related…

A grandfather is talking with his grandson and he says there are two wolves inside of us, which are always at war with each other.   One of them is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness, bravery and love. The other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed, hatred and fear.  The grandson stops and thinks about it for a second then he looks up at his grandfather and says, “Grandfather, which one wins?”  The grandfather quietly replies, “The one you feed.”

As a spouse we can feed one of the two wolves inside of us, the good and kind one or the mean and unkind one.  By feeding the unkind wolf we invite in the three wolves Elder Hafen discusses, the wolves of adversity, imperfections, and selfishness. 

How do we feed the good wolf?  How can we change and start to focus on the positive? Here are three ways to help feed your marriage and soul, to bring about good in your marriage relationship. 

11.  View your marriage as a covenant marriage instead of a contractual marriage.

·      “When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.  Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will” (Bruce C. Hafen).

22.     Find ways to highlight the good your spouse brings to the relationship.

·      Because of their distinctive temperaments and capacities, males and females each bring to a marriage relationship unique perspectives and experiences. The man and the woman contribute differently but equally to a oneness and a unity that can be achieved in no other way. The man completes and perfects the woman and the woman completes and perfects the man as they learn from and mutually strengthen and bless each other” (Elder David A. Bednar). 

33.     Focus on what unifies instead of what divides.