“If there is such a thing as a good marriage, it is because it resembles friendship rather than love.”
~Michel De Mongaigne
Friendship
is defined as the over arching focus of a good marriage. According to John Gottman, “happy marriages
are based on a deep friendship.”
Reflecting upon marriages, I have had examples of good and bad
relationships. My father-in-law passed
away this past weekend. As my husband
and I have pondered his life there is much to say about marriage. My in-law’s divorced after 37 years of
marriage. It was a difficult time for
the family. We all knew that the
marriage was unhappy, we were just unaware of how desperately unhappy my
mother-in-law was. John Gottman lays out
the four horsemen as the second sign that a marriage is headed for
divorce. The four horsemen are as
follows:
1.
Criticism—Google
defines criticism as “The expression of disapproval of someone…based on
perceived faults or mistakes.” Criticism
often leads to negative interactions in a relationship. The Gottman institute recommends that married
couples experience 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction.
2.
Contempt—This
can come in many forms, such as feelings of superiority, worthlessness, or
disregard for another’s thoughts, feelings or actions. Pride is a strong form of contempt. Contempt
doesn’t just come from the “top” down; it can also come form the bottom looking
up. Ezra Taft Benson said of pride, “There is, however, a far more
common ailment among us—and that is pride from the bottom looking up. It is
manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting,
murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude
and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous.”
3.
Defensiveness—In
his book, The Seven Principles for Making
Marriage Work,
John Gottman says that defensiveness “is really a way of blaming your partner.”
When we use defensiveness we are really saying that the problem is another
person and that we are blameless or innocent.
It is the victim scenario.
4.
Stonewalling—Stonewalling
is a form of refusing to answer questions or giving evasive replies (Google
definitions). Stonewalling actually
comes from England, when people would build stonewalls that were difficult to
surmount and they were a way of blocking any interaction with the outside. Stonewalls in relationships make in difficult
for our partner to climb over, penetrate or interact.
Using
the four horsemen, I am able to see that they were all present in my in-laws
relationship prior to their divorce.
They didn’t argue, instead they stonewalled like master masons. Brad Wilcox and Jerrick Robbins discuss how
to tear down the brick walls in relationships in their book, How to Hug a Hedgehog. Brad Wilcox said, “Sometimes [people] build invisible walls around
themselves. They may build them for protection, or perhaps because of feelings
of insecurity, distrust, fear, or misunderstanding.” To help stop the stonewalling Brad Wilcox
said, “We must first see beyond the wall and then find the loose brick.”
How do we
find loose bricks? That is where Dr.
Gottman’s repair attempts and friendships come in. We need to be willing to repair the first
three horsemen and to become friends again.
Here are some
ideas to help find loose bricks and start to repair relationships with those in
your life:
1.
What are
my partner’s/family member’s hobbies?
What can I do to be interested in those hobbies?
Dr. Gottman said, “Instead of criticizing your partner,
remind yourself of all of the things you appreciate about them, and share those
things with them. Be genuinely interested in learning about why they see or do
something differently than you, and be open to respecting and even celebrating
what makes each of you unique…Instead of trying to change your partner, be the
change you wish to see in your relationship.”
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