Poop Emoji’s and the Marital Poop Detector

It seems that poop emoji’s have taken the nation by storm.  They are everywhere.  You can find post-it notes, pencil sharpeners, earrings, gummy candy and more all shaped like a very friendly pile of poop. Such as this sign (found here):

Every spring, when the snow is has receded, we do yard cleanup.  After several bitterly cold months of letting the dog out to do his duty you can imagine how it smells and looks. Cleaning up can take hours.  My son says, “It is the worst job in the world.  It is all wet and stinky and soggy and smells really, really bad!” All summer long, I remind him of his spring-cleaning experience and he is more apt to clean up one or two small piles of the fresh stuff.

As funny as poop emoji’s are, marital poop is no laughing matter.  Many marriages could use the Marital Poop Detector, as John Gottman calls it. It is a “built-in early-warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in jeopardy” (Gottman). The marital poop detector helps couples deal with a little pile of poop instead of waiting for a large spring-cleaning, like we do.  Working out one or two minor issues in marriage is far better than waiting out a long, cold silence and then dealing with a yard full of cruddy issues.  It makes it near impossible to know where to start. 

How should we implement a marriage poop detector?  Looking at my own marriage, one thing we do is not going to bed angry with each other.  We like to pray as a couple before going to bed.  If we aren’t in a good spot, praying together is very difficult for us.  This does not mean that all issues are fully resolved and put in their proper place, but it does mean that the poop we have dealt with is flushed down the toilet. For some couples this may not work; there are as many ways to detect poop in marriage as there are couples in the world.  The goal is to find your marital poop detector.  Ellie Lisitsa said, “If both spouses are responsive to their shared [poop] detector, they are by definition on the same side, working together to protect their marriage. And that makes it the ultimate win-win situation.”

Sniffing out troubles: How do we go about finding our marital poop detector and using it? These are questions that can help you sniff out trouble. (Credit: Marital Poop Detector)

- Have you felt irritable and not yourself lately?

- Are you feeling emotionally distant from your spouse?

- Do you just want to be somewhere other than here?

- Have you been feeling lonely?

- Do you feel as though you’re always angry?

- Would you like to feel closer to your spouse?

- Have you been feeling tension between the two of you lately?

Now that you have sniffed out the conflict that is littering your marital yard, it is time to start picking it up.  Here are some suggestions to help you scoop the poop.

1.      Weekly couples council or State of Our Union meeting

·      Dr. Gottman suggests meeting together for 1 hour once a week to discuss your marital union.  This discussion will often bring up little issues before they arise into large scale attacks. 

2.     Weekly Date Nights

·      Honoring time with your spouse to focus on each other is a great way to keep the poop at bay.  Use date nights to reconnect, remember what you like about each other, and fulfill each others dreams. 

3.     Evening Couple Prayers/Evening reunions

·      At the end of the day, reconnect in some way.  Through reconnecting you renew your affection for each other.  This can be through intimacy, conversations or praying together.  Use this time to make sure you are on the same page every day. 

4.     Practicing Charity

·      Johnny Lee first sang the song, “Lookin for Love in all the wrong places…”  This song resembles many relationships.  When we look for love by focusing on the issues our spouse has we are adding poop to our marriage.  “Most of our marriage fixing efforts are focused on that bothersome 20% of our partner’s character that we just can’t find a way to enjoy” (H. Wallace Goddard).  When we look for love by focusing on the positive in our partner we then give our partner unwritten permission to deal with their own personal characteristic flaws in their own way, in essence they can clean up their own poop.